Failure is my Ultimate Fear

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As I get older, I notice more and more things that  might be dubbed as "OCD".  I've noticed a lot of different things that trigger my behaviors.  I've never been diagnosed professionally- but, it's kind of one of those things you just know you have. Of course, many of them could probably also be diagnosed as extreme phobia.  Anyway...

One of the things that causes me great anxiety, is going to a new place. It doesn't really matter what the reason for the going inside the new place, any new place causes me great anxiety. If I know this is going to take place before hand- I stress about it for days.

This week, I had to go into a new bank, to cash a check. Before I could go, I drove across town to ask my husband which door to enter. The thought of entering the wrong door, made me upset. It really bothers me when businesses do not have hours, and information on their front door with a sign that says open- or an obvious notification that this is the door you use.

But, then after finding out which door to use-  I still put it off as long as possible. Would the tellers and employees be in good moods or bad moods? Would they be annoyed that I brought all 3 kids with me? Will I have to show my id to cash this check? What if they can't find my account information?  What if I have a confrontation?  I paced back and forth in front of the building making excuses to the kids why we weren't going in there.

I eventually went through the door and had a great experience with zero issues.  But the anxiety that overcame me, was almost paralyzing.

This certainly is not the first instance this has happened. It happens a lot. Nearly every time I leave the house.  And the funny thing is, once I conquer that place- I never feel that way again about it.

You can imagine how this can directly affect my business. I mean, I am in a party plan based company.  I go to new places all the time. I find hostesses,  events and places to bring my inventory to show new clients- and provide an income for my family.  Going to a new person's home, I often know about it for weeks in advance. And, I go through this anxiety and dread for days.  As I approach these places and homes,  my mind becomes a complete blur. I don't know if adrenaline takes over- but, I doubt any hostess has ever sensed my anxiety.  And, I can only believe it's because- this is my calling.

It's not just buildings, homes or locations. I often get a great deal of anxiety using a new social media platform. What if...I do it wrong? What if... I can't comprehend the platform? What if I ....fail?


But, I constantly strive to learn, master and become an expert at these things.  Because, bigger than my anxiety about these things is my fear of failure. I can't fathom the thought of failing at life.

I know this has gotten me into some pretty hot water at times, but- I can only detail that as, ultimately, a lack of understanding of who I am.  I've been called some pretty ugly things- but, surprisingly, nervous wreck- isn't one of them.

I hate confrontation. If you met me in person, you'd observe that I am very quiet, shy... you'd probably think- wow, she's actually sort of cowering behind her husband.  You might not actively think that, but subconsciously- you'd notice.

I'm tenderhearted. I cry at everything.  Especially...confrontation. I can't control a confrontation- when people come at me in anger, retaliation, or whatever the reason-  I break down.  It debilitates who I am. It's a direct hit to my core.

I'm pretty lucky that I've found some strong pillars in my life. Those who can brace me up when I fall down.  Who hold my arms up, encourage me, and empower me to be better.

I'm very fortunate to be where I am. I may not have made millions or have mansions or even a new shiny car. But, I have success. Each time I conquer that location, that building, that hostess's home, or that new platform and master it...that is a success.

So sometimes, it might take me a little longer to do things. Just wait for me. Give me time.  I might be dealing with a lot more than I show.  I'm going to climb this mountain.  I am going to succeed.